Friday, November 04, 2005

The Lonliness of Obesity

It's hard being a big man. People stare at you like you're a circus attraction, a freak of nature that some place accidently let loose on society. It gets harder and harder to fit in a theater or airplane seat, they seem to shrink every year(Hell, I don't even know how you skinny people get in those things sometimes). You got to pay extra for your clothes, and you can only get them at specialty stores (upping the price even more). Supposed cures for obesity exist, but are not for the average man to afford, and most of them don't work anyway. And of course there's lonliness, bitter, quiet nights at home type of lonliness.

Fat guys NEVER get the girl, EVER. The best a fat man can hope for from a girl, especially a highly attractive girl is the old 'I want us to be friends' lie. It's a lie, plain and simple. If you get fed that line, she will most likely never speak to you again, unless its absolutely necessary or completely unavoidable. Besides, she's not thinking about you, she's too busy wondering what her carbon copy, interchangable, jerk of a boyfriend is doing. I hear it all the time. Gorgeous girls, the kind you'd walk barefoot through broken glass just to bask in their glory, talking about how their boyfriends treat them like dirt, or don't care about them. They fight and they come looking for a shoulder to cry on, as if the whole world is comming to an end. And if they break up with their boyfriend, it's a near death catastrophe. They cry and bawl and get angy at everyone at work, reason with it, then come to acceptance, you know, the usual steps. And like sheep, they run back to their asshole boyfriends when they come back, pretending to be sorry. Then they're the happiest people in the world. And where are you, my fat friend? On the outside looking in, of course.

It doesn't matter how good a person you are. You could write poetry like Shakespeare, sing like Barry White, tell jokes better than Robin Williams; if you're fat, none of your talents or personality makes any difference whatsoever. All they see is the protruding gut, the giant posterior, and they can't stand the idea of being seen in public with something that looks like you. They want one of the carbon copy boys, they don't give a damn if they're smart, or funny, or anything, it's all about looks. Tell me if this doesn't sound familiar. If you have a boyfriend like this, maybe you should look inside yourself and try to find that slowly dying spark of individuality. Average height between 5'10" and 6'2", thin, but not skinny, a high school basketball build. Attire is generally a white t-shirt, blue jeans with wide black belt, white sneakers, and of course a ball cap. The ball cap is optional, but very common. If they have a tatoo, it's most likely a wreath of barbed wire around the bicep, or maybe a maple leaf or flag. Sound familiar? Of course it does.

Ladies, why do you stay with guys like that? It never made sense to me, still doesn't. If it's about sex, I'll get to that later. Sex is all well and good, but there is more to life, to relationships than sex, isn't there? Well, there used to be, now sex and love are often considered one and the same. You do realize after you broke up with that jerk, he appologized to get you back, so he could spread your legs again. After a while of being alone, if the guy doesn't feel like going and getting another girl, he waits until she's almost come about, then leaps back into her life. I've seen this drama unfold before my eyes more times than I care to count, and it makes me sick. All that could have been avoided if women could look deeper into a person than just the outer husk. Fat men are good men, well, most of them are anyway, and all they need is a chance, and they could very well be the best thing that ever happened in your life.

A few reasons why the fat man is a better choice:

1. Big men are engineered for cuddling: That's right, all that cushioning makes the big man your own personal, living, breathing, teddy bear. He'll keep you a whole lot warmer on those cold winter nights than your bony 'Brad Pitt' style boyfriend. If you like to snuggle, the big man is the better choice.

2. Appearances aren't everything: You want someone who will care for you right? Someone to make you laugh, someone to lend you a crying shoulder, someone who you can talk to? Big men are just as capable of all those things, as skinny people are. In fact, a good deal of large people I know are warm, funny, and highly intelligent, making conversation a delight. It's my experience, that most of these carbon copy boys think pretty much the same, if at all, more concerned with self gratification, and the latest trends, than anything you may have to say. If you like to talk to someone, the big man can be the better choice.

3. You'll never go hungry: Big men know how to cook, if they're worth their salt anyway. Many of them are great cooks, or have great taste in food. How did they get to where they are anyway? Most skinny people have only the cooking ability or taste of the closest pizza place. If you like good food, the big man could well be the better choice.

4. Think of the big man as your ultimate challenge: If you're so hollow you can't stand to be seen with such a big man, help him change. Most fat men don't want to be fat, but they need real inspiration to motivate them to lose weight. Guess what, that motivation is YOU! If you show genuine interest in him, he's not going to be snacking, he's going to be interested in you. Slowly, the pounds will drop off, he'll come around eventually. Take him for private, romantic strolls, never try to force him to go to a gym. Be patient, he's not going to go from tubby to Superman overnight. And at the very least, you can be proud of yourself for helping someone else get on the road to a healthy lifestyle. If you like challenges, the big man is the better choice.

5. Sex: Ok, remember how I said I'd get to sex earlier? Ok, here's the scoop. Nowadays, most guys, especially carbon copy boys, don't have the slightest inkling about foreplay. Hell, I'd take a leap to say most of them don't even know what it is. Now, do fat guys know something these shallow jerks don't? Have they memorized certain verses of the Karma Sutra? Do they quote the Book of Sex, word for word? Probably not. A big man, having rarely, if ever given the chance to please a woman, will work ten times harder to take care of her needs, if given the chance, of course. As far as foreplay goes, think about this: what do big men do well? Answer: eat. That's right, a big man is an expert eater, now imagine what he could do for you, if you let him. Imagine your body being licked slowly like soft serve icecream, all the tender places nibbled like gummy bears. And as far as oral goes, just think about removing the cream from an eclair or Twinkie. I rest my case. If you like foreplay, the big man could very well be the better choice.

Obviously, I'm not expecting beautiful girls to jump off the conformity bandwagon and go for those chubby, wonderful guys they know would be good for them, but couldn't bring themselves to be around. I just want you to take a look at that big guy you work with, the one who looks at you like you're the greatest thing since sliced bread, and try to see the man standing in the pile of marshmallow goo your media trained eyes always focus on. Talk to him, learn what really lies beneath the surface. You'd be surprised what's there, maybe something you actually like. Give him a chance, if it doesn't work, there's always a carbon copy boy waiting at the local club. Who knows, it could be the greatest thing in the world for you. Of course, I'm just writing here...


Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

November 04, 2005 8:59 PM  
Anonymous KK said...

Lmao, I like that.

November 12, 2005 10:54 AM  

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